you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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