Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
