you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
