She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
These tits shall not be calmed
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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