Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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