the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
