and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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