I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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