I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
