rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
