just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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