me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
