Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
