I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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