i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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