Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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