Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
