i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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