My liver just broke up with me...
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
