I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
