life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You are a genius and a whore.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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