Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
