Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
