What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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