life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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