this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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