My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
