I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How does one acquire holy water?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
