well I can't set my house on fire every night
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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