So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
