I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
