the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
