There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We have started to decorate penises.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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