so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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