checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
