She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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