just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
