hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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