Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
