Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
