How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Bring me that man meat
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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