I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
