Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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