Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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