you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
