At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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