You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
