Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
