I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
