oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
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You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
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Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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