I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
