I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize