also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
ttyl tear gas
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
