Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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