Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
