I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I believe in your delicious
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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